We lost a baby. I was seventeen weeks pregnant.
All the hopes, dreams, aspirations of the family I thought we were creating changed in an instant. It has been the most challenging event of my life. I wondered why it happened, but getting test after test to find a cause turned up nothing. I’m a person who needs control, and I think the most frustrating part of this whole journey has been the fact that there is no answer. Such a loss can rip families apart. We all grieve differently, and learning how to accept that has brought my husband and I closer. I hug my son a little tighter these days, taking in the smell of his skin. I kiss his forehead longer and try to get lost in the moment. I take a deep breath when he tests my patience, just grateful that he exists. We exist. The range of emotions that flows through me in a single day is endless, but the one I always come back to is thankfulness.
It’s the word I think of this time of year. The leaves have turned extraordinary shades of yellow, orange, red, and brown. The rain falls on our windows. The seasons are changing. I can feel it in the air, in the chilly mornings, in the darkness of our skies early in the evening. I love fall. It’s the season when I married my best friend. The fall makes me thankful, and this year I am particularly thankful for my life. When an unimaginable event happens, we need an army to pick us back up. The Mothers’ Center is my army. As trying as a miscarriage can be, when I look back at the days and weeks that followed, I recall support more than sadness. I remember calling a member in the hospital and her talking me through her experience so that I could be less scared about mine. I remember coming home to a fresh bouquet of flowers picked from a member’s backyard. I remember talking on the phone with member after member helping me work through the grief of the loss. I remember the month of meals that came from members who wanted to make my day just a little bit easier. I am thankful for all the members of the Mothers’ Center who reached out during a terrible time to support my family and who continue to support us.
So as we approach the season of Thanksgiving, I hope that we remember to be thankful for all that we have and not take for granted the extraordinary changing of the leaves or the sweet sound of the rain falling outside our windows. The fact that we are a part of such a group of women who help each other through the ups and downs of this journey called motherhood is a gift, and I am truly thankful for that.
– Trina J.